AFTER THREE YEARS OFFSCREEN, HOW HEARTENING TO SEE THAT AMERICA’S ONCE AND FUTURE BAD BOY DOESN’T DISAPPOINT WITH HIS RETURN IN THE SENTINEL: AFTER ALL, YOU PLAY A SECRET SERVICE AGENT WHO’S SHAMELESSLY BANGING HIS CHARGE: THE FIRST LADY.
Of course! (laughs) When I saw the script and saw it was about a mole in the Secret Service I said, “’Mole’. Is that a slang word for shtuppin’ the First Lady?”

YEAH, WELL, AS DENNIS MILLER SAID IN DISCLOSURE,“YOU’VE SEEN MORE ASS THAN A RENTAL CAR.” I MEAN, FROM FATAL ATTRACTION TO BASIC INSTINCT TO DISCLOSURE, SEX IS KEY TO THE DOUGLAS OUEVRE, WOULDN’T YOU SAY, MR. MIKE?
Well, the thing is it is part of life. And it’s hard to do in movies because there’s not a lot of mystery to it since everybody does it. It’s a lot easier to scare somebody by having fights or shooting somebody, but, normally, you can count on a few fingers the number of fights you’ve had in your life. But making love? Who can count? (laughs)

INDEED. SO HAVING SIMULATED NOOKIE WITH A WHO’S

WHO OF THE PLANET’S HOTTEST WOMEN IS IT EVER DICEY WHEN YOU AND YOUR WIFE [CATHERINE ZETA-JONES] RUN INTO ONE OF THEM?
No, because I learned a lesson a long time ago that you don’t fool around with your leading ladies.

SO JUST BECAUSE YOU’VE SUCKLED SHARON STONE’S AND GLENN CLOSE’S NIPPLES ONSCREEN DOESN’T MEAN—
Exactly. (laughs) Or just because you go down there it doesn’t mean you’re actually down there.

IT’S JUST AN AMAZING ILLUSION! HEY, WILL YOU BE SEEING THE INSTINCT SEQUEL?
I don’t know if I’ll be the first in line, but sure. They asked me [to do it] a few years ago, but when you think you’ve done something pretty well, it’s tough to go there again. Plus my ass was saggin’ enough back in the first one.(laughs)

SO WHAT’S IT TAKE TO GET YOU IN A MOVIE THESE DAYS?
Just good stuff—but it’s harder to drag yourself out of the house, you know? Things are nice when you’ve got a good marriage—and if you’re gonna have kids at this age [61], why not enjoy them? And I love doing my stuff for the United Nations, too [Douglas is a U.N. Ambassador of Peace].

THOUGH I HEAR THERE’S A POSSIBLE SEQUEL IN THE WORKS FOR GORDON GEKKO, THE WALL STREET VILLAIN WHO SCORED YOU A BEST ACTOR OSCAR.
It’s in the early stages, but, hopefully, we’ll get it together. It’ll probably start with him coming out of jail and, with all this globalization stuff now, I’d imagine he’ll be in some kind of globalized scam, raping and pillaging some country. (chuckles)

BUT PEOPLE WILL STILL IDOLIZE THE BASTARD, WON’T THEY?
Oh, yeah, they’ll love it!

LET’S TALK ‘KIRK.’ I ONCE ASKED YOUR DAD IF HE EVER WOKE UP AND FOUND LINT IN HIS CLEFT CHIN AND—
Oh, my god, I don’t want to tell you what he’s found in that! Like, did he say he’d found a pube in there?

MICHAEL!
(laughs) Okay, hang on, let’s do a little thing about Kirk that won’t get us in a lot of trouble. Well, for me, the great memories were visiting him in Beverly Hills with, like, Burt Lancaster, Gregory Peck, Tony Curtis and all those guys. I remember them all asking each other who was the hottest actress they’d all worked with and they all credited Jean Simmons as the inherently sexiest.

WHO WAS YOUR ‘HOTTEST ACTRESS’ FANTASY BACK THEN?
Barbara Stanwyck. And Ava Gardner wasn’t too bad, either. She reminds me of Catherine.

WHICH MAKES ME ASK: HOW DO YOU KEEP UP WITH A WOMAN 25 YEARS YOUR JUNIOR?
I finally gave up smoking. (laughs)

SO HOW DOES THIS GUY WHO ONCE CALLED HIMSELF AN “ADRENALINE JUNKIE” GET HIS CHEAP THRILLS THESE DAYS?
Let’s see….well, I guess I could play golf in a lightning storm. That would be fun.

OKAY, QUICK: TELL US THREE THINGS A MAN SHOULD LEARN FROM YOUR FILMS.
Don’t turn your back on an angry wife. Screwing has repercussions. And, for god’s sake, keep a sense of humor.

WHAT’S THE WEIRDEST COMPLIMENT YOU’VE EVER RECEIVED FROM A FAN?
Someone said they liked my underarm hair. I nodded and kept moving.

ANY OF YOUR MOVIES YOU’D LIKE TO BURN THE NEGATIVE TO?
Thank goodness I have my one copy of my student film on masturbation locked up somewhere.

WHAT’S IT CALLED?
“Jew Gone Bad.”

© 2015 Brantley Bardin. All Rights Reserved.